When will I find him? When will I be happy again? When will this fear end? Am I really a strong person when it comes to love or I am just afraid of falling in love again? Why can’t we have the person that we want? Or why can’t we learn to love the person who is willing to love us? And is it really possible to love another woman?? Or Even when a man is already taken or married? Why?…. And Why can’t it be?
I met him in 2013. I used to be friends with the owner of the company where he used to work. Steve. Steve is a very quiet guy who comes to work early and leaves late. He obeys and follows the rules and was never late nor absent. In short he is a good employee. He comes home right after the shift. He has a wife. They got married in 2010 and they have been together for almost a decade now. In other words..? He is a good husband. Their life was so much different with how I spent my childhood days. Buying this and that in a snap. Travelling anywhere we want. In short I had a good life back then. I used to be a brat.. Which led me to this life that I have now. I am Jessica. A single mother. I actually don’t need to work. I can have anything that I want anytime. I party a lot. I drink a lot. I smoke a lot. I dress up the way I want but for the past 15 years of my kid, I never came home pregnant again. Why? Because I learned and I am afraid of falling in love again. My family is very tight. I don’t care if I am single because I am very close with my siblings and my parents. Sure am lucky to be JESSICA. But very unfortunate when it comes to love. And when can I find the one? When can I say I have found him? When will I stop searching for the right man? Well yes, believe it or not – I HAVE FOUND HIM. I HAVE FOUND THE PERFECT GUY ON EARTH. The one who can handle my attitude. The one who can manage my flaws. The one who learned to accept me for who I am… But why do I still have this question on my mind? Why can’t it be?
Pete: “Steve this is Jessica my friend. She used to be my co-worker and she’s really good at this field. But she still wants to learn more about how we do this job so I would like you to take care of her and make her feel like one of us. Alright? You have to make sure that she will learn from you because she will work in a different office.”
Steve: Surprised. Cannot look at me straight in the eyes. Shy. “ah. Sure sir!”
I was very jolly when I met him. Just like how I deal with other people. Very confident and very enthusiastic. “Hi! I’m Jessica and it’s nice to meet you!”
He was so shy on our first meeting. But for some reason, I was very excited to work with him.
Pete: “Team, we will be having our summer outing this March and I would like all of you to be there. Jessica it is just near your place so I want you to be there too.”
“Hi Pete! I actually don’t know if I could come over because I am still here at home attending to my kid. But I’ll try to be there tonight.”
“Please do so. The whole team is excited to bond with you. They find you really funny, enthusiastic and well yeah intimidating. But I told them that you are nice LOL! See you later!”
Shoot! It’s almost 10! I fell asleep gosh! Took the car keys and headed on to the area.
Tina, the other employee was singing when I arrived. And everybody was shocked staring at me.
“Hi Pete! Sorry I’m late. Had to drive for an hour and dropped by a convenient store for you guys. Wine for everyone!”
Whispered. “Hey Tina, why was everybody staring at me when I arrived? I don’t think they like me.”
“Jes, they all like you. I swear to God, they are all shy. They were talking awhile ago and they said that they find you really amazing. You came here wearing a tank top, shorts, sneakers, without make up, very simple but elegant. And you smell really good! They are actually intimated but they are all excited to bond with you”
“But I will not stay for too long. I have work tomorrow. So I have to go home early. I am not even planning to stay overnight. I just really had to bring the wine for you guys.”
After an hour.
“Hey! Are you okay?” He asked.
“Yes. All good! Thanks!”
“Care for a drink?” He offered.
“Sure! Thanks!” I answered.
After two hours.
“Hahaha really? That’s hilarious! Like I have never tried that in my life! Like that’sone hell of a roller coasted ride!”
4:00 in the morning. Everybody was in the pool playing. Two were talking on the side. Three were drinking on the other side and others were just enjoying the warm water.
And us? We found ourselves talking on the edge of the pool.
“So, how long have you been working with Pete?”
“Been working with him for the past 6 years and everything is just, just..okay.”
“I see. Well, I think I have to call it a night. I really have to go. I said I’ll stay here for only 30 minutes but it’s already 4:30 in the morning. I will have to drive myself back home for an hour. I’ll catch you later! And by the way. Thanks for today. Thanks for entertaining me. I had fun talking with you.”
Headed back home and took a nap for a few hours and woke up to work.
“Hey Tina! Are you home yet?”
“Hey Jes! Yeah. Just got back home. We slept late, woke up late and left the resort late. But everything’s good! What’s up?”
“Kindly tell everybody thank you and I had fun last night. I just can’t stay any longer even if I wanted to. You know I work in a different office and my schedule is different so, I really had to go home. And hmm by the way. Kindly tell Steve thanks for entertaining me last night. When it was supposed to be you — attending to me haha but it’s okay. It was nice knowing him.”
“You like him?”
“Huh? Yes! No! I mean. Yes. As a friend. What the fudge are you saying?!”
“Hmm okay. Just making sure. Jes? He’s a married man. I just want to remind you.”
Okay. So he’s a married man. Got it. Next please!
Ting! Friend request. Oh shoot! It’s him. Accepted!
“Hi! Thanks for last night!”
“I ah. Hmm it’s okay. My pleasure. I actually ahmmm.. Was doubting if.. I’d add you on facebook ‘coz you’re a rich kid and ah.. I don’t know. I really find you intimidating. But hey! I know that you are nice. I just feel like, you’d snob me since I’m just a simple person.”
“Hey! What’s up with you? Hahaha whatever it is that you find difficult in me, don’t mind it. I am not snobbish. I don’t care if someone is rich or poor. I don’t mind if a person is cool or not. Besides, I am not rich. My family is. But not me.”
“You are the coolest person I have ever met Jes! I’m glad I have met you”
And it all started there. It was at 2 in the afternoon when we first had our exchange of thoughts and words through chatting. And then? It never ended. We talked and talked like we’ve known each other for a decade now. He’s nice and I really find him cool. Regardless of his family background and having a wife, all I cared about then was to make friends with him.
“Hahaha that was cool! You’re really a nice person. I envy your bf. He must be very lucky to have you!”
“Boyfriend? Haha I have been single for a long time! You silly!”
“Oh! Wh! Wait what?! You’re single? Bu.. But why? I mean, you are gorgeous, you are a very kind person, very down to earth, and you are a very independent woman. How come you are single?”
“Question is. Is there something wrong being single? I am not gorgeous. I also have flaws. I only have the personality. I would prefer men liking or loving me for who I am, learning to accept my foible. Beauty fades, attitude stays.”
Tic toc tic toc tic toc.
“Gosh we have been chatting for almost 14 hours. God! Hahaha world record!”
“Yeah. And I learned a lot of things from you. Thank you Ms. Beautiful. Go to bed now.”
“Yup! I also had fun. You too. Take a rest now.”
“Goodnight” he said.
“Have a good sleep.”
“Whow! What? Hahahaha” I was surprised. He called me online right after saying goodnight. “Thought it’s time to say goodnight?”
“Hmmm yeah. Goodnight.”
“Then why did you call?”
“Goodnight. To say goodnight?”
“Alright goodnight you silly young man! End the call now.”
“No, don’t end the call.” He said.
“Ugh. Okay. Then how can I sleep? If we are on the line?”
“Just sleep. I’ll ah.. Stay here. Just go to sleep. And do not end the call.”
“Awww. Okay. Haha. Goodnight.”
After two minutes.
“Hmmm you still up?” I asked.
“Ssshhhh just sleep. I am just here. I’ll stay until you get to fall asleep.”
10 in the morning. Fuck my phone is like overheating. And guess what?! He is still there on the line. Checked my phone right away!
“Ugh. Hello? Are you up?”
“Good morning Ms. Gorgeous. Yes. I slept late. I waited for you to snore so I’d know that you are already sleeping. But you didn’t. Then I woke up early to be the first person to greet you good morning.”
“Wow. Just wow. You are the craziest! Did you even sleep? Like. Geez. That’s a 5-hour call and you didn’t even have enough sleep.”
“It’s okay. I just want to see you first thing in the morning. Get up now! Take a shower. I’ll take a shower too. Please have breakfast and then text me when you’re done. And by the way! I’m sorry I did something that might get me into trouble. I kept on staring at you this morning. You really look wonderful while sleeping. Wish one day I could wake up with you.” he said.
“Goodness gracious! The reason why I don’t sleep with someone is because I don’t like them seeing me sleeping! Gosh. Hahaha you are ampf. Whatever! Get up now!”
“Hmmm 10 minutes please? Just stay here with me for 10 more minutes”
By the way. That’s a video call. And it continues in the next few days.
It became a routine then. Waking up together. Eating together.ONLINE. Texting. Calling each other. Sending sweet messages and working together.. Again..? ONLINE. And then repeat.
Few weeks later..
“Hmmm babe? When will I see you again?” he asked.
“Hmmm you have been seeing me everyday.”
“Online. hugging you online. Kissing you goodnight online. I want to hug you. Like a real hug” he said.
It was Friday then.
“Hmmm I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“For reallllll???” He sounded really excited.
“Do not drive your car. I’ll pick you up”
It was the first meeting right after the last. And it was the first right after we started the thing.
We were so happy. Like a real couple. Holding hands while driving. Hugging each other. Eating together and kissing like there’s no tomorrow.
“If only.” He whispered while hugging me.
“Huh? What do you mean?” I asked.
“Nada. Just. Forget it. What do you want to eat? Come on! Let’s have lunch! Coffee or something?”
“You know I am always on a diet. I am really not a fan of eating. But okay, ofcourse I’ll go with you.”
It was 4 months then without having rice. I was on a strict diet until..
“Nope! You have eat this. And this. And this. And this! These are all yours okay? Do not deprive yourself from eating. I like you the way you are. You don’t have to go on a diet. And I will not get tired of reminding you to eat and eat and eat.”
He was the only person who made me love food again.
We were so happy forgetting all our problems. He was so sweet preparing food for me. Waking up with a cup of coffee and cigars on the table. Preparing every meal for me. Paying for everything that we spent. Treating me like a princess that nobody has ever made me feel. He knows how to manage my flaws. We never argued. We were always laughing. We were always singing together. We were.. We JUST were extremely happy not thinking that he has a wife. And yes. The wife. Where is the wife?
(Brief background) His wife left him right after they got married. She had to work in Europe. She comes home visiting him only once a year. For a couple of weeks. In short, she decided to just spend time earning money instead of taking good care of his husband.
And now I figured. He found everything that he was looking for in a wife. Too bad, he has found it — in me.
Until it’s time to say goodbye.
While we were hugging in front of a beautiful view on the rooftop.
“Babe, I will be going home soon. Thanks for this wonderful bonding. I really don’t want to go home yet. But, I have to.” I was a little sad then.
“Ssshhh.” Held my face close to his.
“Babe? Thank you. I have never felt this happy even before. And I am just very glad that even if there are these men who are longing to have you, you chose me over them. And I am the luckiest person on earth right now.” Kissed me on the forehead and whispered. “If only I could just wake up each morning with you, I would.” Teary eyed.
“Babe?why?” he asked.
“What do you mean why?”
“Why are you so gorgeous?”
“Fudge. Whatever. I am not gorgeous. I only have the personality. I told you.”
He loves asking me the question WHY, in the middle of somewhere, in the middle of a serious convo, in the middle of the night. He asks me WHY like more than 50 times a day. Only to say, I am gorgeous in my own little way.
Went back home. Days and weeks passed by. And the routine continues. Until one day.
“Steve. Can I see you in my office?” Pete called his attention.
Headed there and was surprised with what happened.
“Steve? Why Jes? Why do you have to cheat? What is wrong with you? Give me 5 reasons why Jes? Why not other girls? She’s not like that. She won’t fall for someone who is already married. I know her so well. We have been friends for a long time and she is not that type of woman. She knows her limitations. What have you done? Why? Somebody saw you guys together. You are a married man. Whether or not your wife is far from you and done you wrong many times, you still should not cheat on her.”
“Sir? One question. Why not Jessica?”
And the shoddy life started. Felt like my world fell apart.
“What do we do now?” I asked him. “Steve, everybody’s mad at us. I don’t know what to do.”
“Babe? Stay. I don’t know how to handle this. Everybody thinks I am the most miserable person on earth. Please stay. You’re the only person that I have now.”
Since then, I never smiled again. I stayed. But the pain in my heart is still there. The routine continues. But little by little we both tried our best to give up on each other without even talking about it. Cold nights. Cold convos. Cold scenes. No more hugs. No more kisses. “Online”
“Steve? I think, it’s time to say goodbye. Fix all your problems. Prepare yourself. Be ready for what could happen. You see, you are the very first person whom I consider the perfect guy for me. You can manage my flaws. You can make me stay at home. You are the only one who made me sleep early. Who made me eat despite of the strict dieting. You are the only person whom I’m scared of not seeing and talking everyday. The only person who would always check what I’m wearing before I leave the house. I never got hurt. I never felt any pain for the past few months……… Only now. And if we will not end this now, I might fall for you too much that I won’t be able to handle it anymore. You do not belong to me. You belong to your wife. And it might hurt us more if we will continue to be like this. I want you to forget me. I want you to give up on me and not your wife.”
“Babe.. No. Stay. Please stay.”
I tried my best not to entertain his messages anymore that it’s already killing me inside. We still update each other though. But not like before. Until..
“Hi babe! Hmm how’s your day?” He sent me a message.
“Steve!!! Please stop calling me babe! We’re over okay?? Stop calling me! Stop sending me sweet messages! Like you don’t have to fuckin update me every fuckin day’ I don’t want to receive any messages from you anymore! So please?”
I was never really mad. I was crying when I sent him the message. I just really need to respond that way. So he’d stop. It felt like saying things that you really don’t mean to. Saying things and feeling the other way around. And that day I felt like, I just died.
“Babe, I know that you are just saying that but that is not what you want. Please stay. Stay a little longer. I am leaving soon. My application was approved. And I only want to spend the last few days with you. So please stay. I’m flying to Europe soon.”
I died twice that day.
I wanted to stay. But if I’d stay, it will hurt us more. STILL.. I stayed.
“Hi. Have you finished all the documents? Were you able to finish all the papers today? Have you bought things for your wife? Buy her things so you’d have something to give her when you arrive.” I tried my best to be stay.. As a friend.
“Why?” He asked. “Why are you gorgeous?”
“Steve, buy something for her family too.” I tried not to entertain things about us.
“Babe?” He was crying. Over the phone.
“Why are you so kind? Why do have to do this? I know that I have been hurting you so so much. That it’s also killing me inside. You are just an awesome woman. I don’t know why God gave you to me and now God is getting you back from me.”
“Steve? God has his own reasons. You see, I met you because I have been single for a long time. And maybe He said, Jes, I know that you have been happy for a long time and you never got hurt. I will touch your heart for a little while. I will have to make you feel hurt again. Just a pinch in the heart. We have to make it soft again. And then He said, Steve, you are so weak. You have been nice to people. You always say yes even if you’ve been hurt many times. Only because you were not strong. And I will use you as an instrument to teach a hard headed and heart and to learn from a strong woman.”
He cried a lot. And so I died again.
After a few days. We both decided to see each other for the last time. I went to visit him but with my friends this time.
“Hey! We are already here in the hotel. Text me or call me when you are already on your way.” Texted him.
“hahahaha no way Liza! Okay strike a pose! Let’s try a different one.”
My friends and I were having a photoshoot. When I glanced on my right side, there’s this guy standing and staring at me from a great distance.
“Oh! Wait guys.” I was surprised. Went down to where he was standing. Pretended that everything was okay and that I am not even hurt. Took something in the room of the hotel and went in to his car.
“Why didn’t you call me? I told you to call me when you’re on your way. And why were you not even calling my attention that you are already there. How many minutes have you been waiting there?” I asked.
“Nothing. I have been there for almost 20 minutes. Staring at you. Praying to God. Bless this woman that I am looking at right now. Give her the best man on Earth. I love this woman so much that I can’t even have. Please take away all the pain in her heart.” He cried.
“Okay! I see. Ugh. Yeah. By the way, I know that you didn’t even buy something for yourself. So take this with you and use it.” Tried my best not to cry. I pretended that I really don’t care about what he was saying. But I died again. “Can you drive me to the market? I just need to buy something.”
While driving. I kept on singing party songs and trying not to keep the drama in the car.
“Here! Okay just wait in the car. I’ll be very quick!”
“Hey! How much is this? Hahaha oh my!” Trying to keep the mood happy. Dealing with the vendors laughing. And then I caught him. Caught him inside the car taking a video of me.
“Okay I’m done. Let’s go!” Heading back to the hotel. He held my hand.
“I took a video of you. I want to see you laughing and smiling until my last day here in the US”
For two hours of being together. He has been staring at me. I can see the pain in his eyes. I can see that he’s hurting. Only because he never learned the art of pretending how to show people that everything is just fine. And that is what I have been doing.
“Okay. We are here. Hmmm thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for being the perfect person that you can be. I am sorry for falling in love. I never intended to ruin anybody’s relationship. Please forget everything about me. I don’t want you to have comparisons when you see her. Please take care of yourself. Learn from this mistake and never do it again. Coz if you’d do it again, the next woman might not be like me, might not understand and might just ruin your whole life and relationship with your wife.”
He did not say a word. And just kissed me. And so I kissed him back. We were kissing in the car. While tears kept on falling.. Then. I pushed him away from me.
“It’s time to say goodbye Steve.”
He hugged me for one last time. Took my face and kissed me again.
“Go now! Leave.” in a shaky voice.
I was looking at him while he was walking back in the car. Then he went back to me.
Crying. Kissed me again. Hugged me so tight. And for the last time. Kissed me on the forehead. His tears were falling on my head. Still I tried my best not to cry again. I don’t want to show him that I am hurting. And as he was driving away from me, looking at the side mirror, I only smiled at him. And when the car is already far from me, TEARS FELL DOWN on my face.
He sent me a message when he got back home.
“Babe? I never really wanted to let go of you. I really don’t want to. But it seems like you have already decided to let go. I can’t stop crying.”
It was so sudden, that I woke up one morning and it’s the day that I will die more than 5 times.
As I opened my eyes. Saw his messages on my phone.
“It’s time. I only have this one last day left. Later tonight, I won’t be seeing your messages anymore. I won’t be hearing your laughter and giggles anymore. I won’t be reading your good mornings and goodnights anymore. I won’t be feeling your hugs and kisses anymore. And the hardest part is, Today, I will die more than 10 times because today I will be losing the perfect woman that I met in my entire life. Thank you. Thank you for staying even if you are already hurting. Thank you for understanding me. Thank you for making me happy in the past few months. Thank you loving me the best way you can. Thank you for being you. And thank you for letting me go. Because I cannot let you go. And given the chance. I will not let you go.”
I cried many times. Tried my best to make him feel better. And just made the convo light. He kept on updating me that day. Telling me that he is already inside the airport and that he’s about to leave in a few minutes.
“I’m scared. I don’t know how to feel right now.” he said.
“Stay calm. Everything’s gonna be alright. Pray. I will never forget you. Thank you for everything. And I will never get tired of thanking you and praying for you and your wife. The next time I see you, I want to see you with your wife and kids.”
“Babe? THANK YOU. I will never get tired of thanking you. I will forever be thankful of having you in my life. And given the chance to have the this roller coaster ride again, I’D STILL DO IT WITH YOU.”
“Steve? always remember that I am just here. I will always be here for you as a friend. Given the chance, God forbid, but yes, If I’d get to see you again? And you’re single? I’ll make sure that I have a ring with me and I’ll be the one to propose to you. I swear I’d do that. hahaha”
“Jes? Babe? Ms. Gorgeous? This is a mistake for everybody, yes. But for me, YOU ARE THE GREATEST MISTAKE THAT I WILL NEVER GET TIRED OF COMMITTING AGAIN and AGAIN. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THE BEST MISTAKE AND THE MOST WONDERFUL WOMAN THAT I HAVE EVER MET.THANK YOU”
“I never admitted it, I never said it. But yes, I learned to love you and I will never REGRET everything about US. It was ONE HELL OF A ROLLER COASTER RIDE! Thanks for this adventure. You will be the first and the last ADVENTURE that I will ever take. And if not with you, I won’t dare do it again. I will miss you.”
Tic toc tic toc.. 10ish
“Hello?” I tried not to cry.
“Babe?” He was crying.
“I’m now about to get in the plane. I will miss you. THANK YOU.”
“Steve? No. Thank you.”
“Why are you so gorgeous?” crying.
And then I just smiled. And for the very first time. I answered. “Because you made me feel like I am the happiest person on earth. I am gorgeous because of you. Thank you. Goodbye.” And I quickly ended the call.
Sometimes, we find love in our own little way. Sometimes, love finds us. Sometimes, we get to fall in love with the right person at the wrong time. Sometimes, we fall in love with the person who cannot love us back. There are – SOME – who have already found the right person for them and are now living with their happy ending.
BUT.. MOST OF THE TIME — we meet people, who will teach us, who will learn from us, who will leave a mark and who will come back for us. If it is meant to happen, God will find his way to make it happen.
I cried for a couple days only because I got used to waking up in the morning seeing his messages. Talking with him over the phone. Or maybe because I just missed him. Oh well! I think it’s time to find the next in line. I’ll get ready for that. Get up Jes! make yourself busy. You will have to attend an event next month. You silly young lady! Go! Go!
After a month..
“Hey! What’s up? haha how have you been?” was talking to my friend that I didn’t get to see for a couple of years.
“Hey dude! Who is she?” oooohhhh! I think he’s next in line..
TO BE CONTINUED. Book II soon.. Thanks for reading! ^^
DISCLAIMER: This is a story of another friend who requested to write a book for her. It has AGAIN a little twist though. Let’s find out more of this new guy in BOOK II.
”Why can’t it be.. Why can’t it be the two of us..Why can’t we be lovers.. Only friends
You came along At a wrong place, at a wrong time..You came along At a wrong place, at a wrong time..Or was it me”